Jeff Krock

I wrote this piece last year and the response to it was almost overwhelming. Knowing how much it has helped both men and women I thought it would be a good idea to put it here. I look forward to your comments and perspectives.
  

Overview
Relationships are a major challenge, especially between men and women. Even when these relationships seem to be working well, there can be an undercurrent of dissatisfaction waiting to drown what’s good. Understanding what’s at the root of this can help to free us from blaming ourselves or our mate. At the core of the difficulty there is no one to blame. At the core of the resolution is great joy.  

The Fundamental Difference
Women and men are different in fundamental ways. Our physiology, for example, reflects an inward or an outward orientation. Generally, women look to the internal for fulfillment and men look to the external for fulfillment. Many women tend to be more connected than men with themselves and the world around them. They are therefore more sensitive to subtle things and they are usually super-sensitive to any subtle distance between themselves and their mates.

What Women Want Most
Women want the inner experience of connection with their mates. When they don’t have it, they can feel hurt, abandoned, unwanted, and/or unloved. Since most men are externally oriented and can be content with their external pursuits, there is an inherent and major challenge in female-male relationships. Many men complain that their mate is always trying to change them. We can understand why. What women most want is standing right there; yet, at the same time, he can be distant. There is no one to blame. This fundamental difference is part of how we’re made.

What Men Want Most
Yes, most men want to watch the game, build the business, go fishing with their friends. Like women, they inherently want love and connection, but their outward focus keeps them from experiencing their deep inner yearning for it. Men also have a natural desire to care for their women, to make them as comfortable as possible. There is nothing more meaningful to men than fulfilling these deep yearnings, and they have an innate capacity to do what it takes.

When men commit themselves to doing what it takes to help their mates feel recognized, loved, and supported, the lives of both are immediately and significantly better.

First Steps Men Can Take
When the woman in your life feels content, you will experience your relationship as a gift rather than a challenge. Here are some initial steps you can take:

1. Recognize the painful side of being distant from your mate.
2. Recognize the warrior in you—the part that meets the challenges in life, whatever they may be.
3. Choose to notice the yearning deep within you, the yearning for love and connection at the Heart of each and every man. As you become a seeker and finder of love and connection, you will discover that you are made to do this. You will be aligned with a higher level of yourself.
4. Use your seeking and finding as the basis of your relationship with your mate. As you do this, you will be able to take the steps below.

Doing What It Takes
Fortunately, helping your female partner feel content is not complicated to describe. Primarily, she needs to be cared for in ways that are consistent, obvious, and real. However, caring for her asks you to do some things that a part of you may resist. The following steps may sound overly familiar! Every day:

1. When you and your mate are up and dressed, make the choice to let her know that you care about her. This cannot be faked. It’s not just words or a hug.
2. Choose to find your love for her, even if you’re unaware of it, even if she said “no” to your sexual advances last night, even if you have been arguing.
3. Create a quiet moment and put your arms around her and relax into your body. Feel the floor underneath your feet. Feel your body resting against her and her body against you. Do not make this into sex even though those feelings may be there.
4. Simply hold her, committing yourself to her in this moment. If the feelings and words are truly there, tell her that you love her.
5. If you’re not really there, in feelings or words, this is o.k. Feel the way you want to be closer, want to be less distant. If this is true for you in the moment, let her know that you are aware of the distance and that you want to be closer. She will recognize your truth and be comforted by this.

The Heart of the Matter
When you strip away the layers of what you think you want and need, you will find that what you most want is to love. This recognition will liberate you, and fulfilling it will be the path to freedom. The seeker/warrior in you is made to walk this path and is willing to use all the circumstances of your life to learn. There is no better circumstance for learning than your relationship with your mate. She provides the greatest opportunity you have to truly lighten and enlighten every aspect of your life.

And there’s more. When you’re on this path, she’ll stop asking you to be different because she’s getting what she most wants from being with you. She will be more able to agree with what you want: time with your friends, the game, and sex. Why wouldn’t she? You are becoming the man she has always wanted to be with and she naturally wants to make you happy.

The writing above conveys aspects of the following Advanced Capacities: Heart Presence, Connection, Creation, and Clear Mind.

©2008 by Jeff Krock. All rights reserved.

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